John has been present throughout the last couple months. He pops in here and there and I have a few fun stories about him making his presence known. I've felt lucky to feel him near and as a trusted friend since he passed. We've talked and laughed and cried and he's made fun of me for the ridiculousness of my mortal life and has been consoling in his nearness. Others have shared stories about his appearances as well and I am grateful to know how many people he's been visiting. Last week at church he came into my my mind and I saw him sitting on a porch of clouds with his hand on his knee, chin on his hand, looking down on all of us. He was thoughtful and quiet. It stayed like that for a while until I noticed something next to him. It was Little Black Kitty. I always have said that kitty was an angel. Thinking of her as his spirit guide practically brought me to my knees. I saw him sit there for hours that day and had the feeling that he was getting ready to leave, to go onto the next stage of his journey with our little kitty to transition him from the comfort of his earthly proximity to whatever was next. He wasn't scared or sad, just watching us in a way I don't think he will get to do again. While I believe that I'll always be able to talk to him, I don't think he'll get to reach down and touch me or be close enough to feel him anymore. As the day went on, the image persisted. John stayed exactly where he was as the cloud porch and kitty had motion around him. In the late afternoon I saw him stand up, turn around and walk away. The kitty looked back and then followed. I relived that throughout the rest of the day fighting the tears of the loss and the temptation to jump and wave and yell for him to come back.
With so many emotions and thoughts about John and his life and our life together and our life apart, I look back in wonder. I know that we had to be apart for the final stage of his journey in order for him to learn and do what he was supposed to learn and do in his earthly time. I can't explain how real that feeling is to me and while I know the pain that it caused John was excruciating, we were where and how we had to be. and we're where and how we have to be now. I'm grateful. I'm grateful for him and for our time together. I'm grateful for what we got to do together, learn together, how we got to grow together and help each other. While it's hard to know that we hurt each other, I'm grateful that as odd as it sounds, that we at least did it together. We talked and shared until the end, and have had a nice time together since the end. I'm grateful for the times that I've seen him and that the image of the porch and kitty above were visible to me. I feel like now when I talk to him, it will be more to the air than to the strong image of his person. He's in the next place right now and I am excited for him. He's moving further away from us, but towards whatever is next for him. I miss you JJ, but I'm happy for you. Give the kitty a hug for me.
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