I have been going between episodes of tears and of focus and of unabashed drunkedness. I have a hard time concentrating on more than one thing at a time and I am going to struggle to be effective at work for a bit. I'm trying to make myself eat healthy and drink water and exercise, but all of my cycles are off and I might be suffering a bit of depression. All my timing is off. Hours seem short and minutes seem long and I never know what time it is. I know this is all part of a normal grieving process and am trying to go through each part of the experience while still keeping my head on straight and both feet on the ground.
What happened between John and me was sad, yes. Through this past year, I have been constantly reminded that it was a part of my journey to be apart from him and to be here. What I have realized in the past few days is that I think my leaving was also a part of his journey. Because he didn't have me, he became larger than life. He affected many people. He got to share his story with many people. He made choices for his life, something he hadn't actively done for a long time. If I would have stayed, I would have sheltered him and taken on everything I could. I would not have accepted the help he was able to accept on his own. He died surrounded by an army of love and the knowledge that his passing was truly OK. He got to go in peace knowing that he wasn't leaving anything behind but his awesomeness in the memory of so many people.
I will likely never have the opportunity to tell Brandie how much taking care of John meant to me. John and Brandie are soul mates, they always have been. They connected in a way that was unique to them. In a way that did not make their mates jealous but often did make their mates roll their eyes at the shared twisted sense of humor and dark outlook. I believe she was the only person who would be able to do the amazing task of being with him on this final part of his earthly journey. She was able to be his nurse and his friend and able to go to her own husband and family for the comfort and support that she needed to do it. I can only imagine some of the tears she has shed and the loss she feels now.
Throughout this past year, I have tried so hard to keep my personal life personal and to not involve the public. As I have said before, that may have backfired on me a little. I still believe I have done the right thing but can't ignore the hurt of the inevitable rumor mill and misconceptions. I am devastated at the loss of John. We shared a giant part of our hearts and of our lives. I am working very hard at making sure that I don't publicly grieve and "make it about me," as I have been accused of before and am also getting flack for the perception that I am not grieving enough by those who I am not sharing my experiences with. John and I spoke and shared life experiences, traded pictures and jokes, and while our last year was different than previous years, maintained importance in each others lives. I am close to John and have been for many years. I know him better than anyone. I am spending this time with him in my heart and that is no one's business.
He hung out over my shoulder as I picked out pictures for his slide show and I could feel his arm around me, see his smile, and hear his laugh as I went through the thousands of pictures of his life. Our life. He was here the next night as I was alone and reflecting on a healthy night of non-drinking. I could feel him cautiously and tenderly touch my brain. I can't describe it as anything other than a mind meld (Star Trek reference, sorry) and he was just in there for a second but he was around me for another couple minutes just telling me over and over that it was OK.
I will forever feel bad for breaking his heart and I know he felt bad about breaking mine but I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and this was no different. We were lucky to have each other for so many years and to have shared such a good life and to have learned so many things together and from each other. But I also believe the feelings over the past few days that this was part of his destiny. I am grateful both for the part of my life path that intersected his and for the part that continues on now that his has ended.
I loved the shit out of you, John Judy, and I always will.
